Taking Care of Aging Parents When You Can Barely Take Care of Yourself

Everyone's talking about the sandwich generation—caring for kids while managing aging parents. My heart goes out to them. Especially those navigating perimenopause or menopause at the same time. That's a lot.

I can relate, though my sandwich looked a little different.

I started managing my mother's affairs four years ago. She had just turned 90 and was still fiercely independent (I can relate to that). She didn't think she needed help. At the time, I was getting married for the first time, living states away from her, dealing with a stressful job, and weeks away from my wedding. Oh, and I thought I was having a mental breakdown. Spoiler: it was menopause.

Now, emotions would run high under the best circumstances when you're getting married. But add the responsibility of taking on your mother's affairs? The anxiety and worry were off the charts. And then another emotion showed up—one I'd never really experienced before: anger.

I used to say, "I don't get angry. That's not an emotion I'm familiar with." During this time? I had anger on speed dial.

It wasn't until I talked to my doctor that I understood: fluctuating hormones can make normal events feel unbearable. Getting married and taking on your mom's affairs isn't exactly "normal," but these stressors—things that normally wouldn't take me down—suddenly felt impossible to manage.

Once I understood I wasn't going crazy, I could put together a plan that worked for me. I had to get myself stable first.

So I started my journey with HRT, which I've written about before. And then I started chipping away at taking care of my mom—one task at a time. I didn't have to boil the ocean in a day. I just needed to do what I could do for my health and for my mom.

So how do I do it?

I make sure I take care of me first—getting enough sleep, exercising, and prioritizing the self-care that makes me feel good about myself.

Every two months, I get a facial. When I need it, I get a massage (I should do it more often). I get a blow-out every two weeks without fail—it makes me feel good. I keep up with my doctors' appointments. These aren't luxuries. They're what keeps me steady enough to show up for everything else.

When I show up for myself, I'm able to show up for my mom and make sure she has what she needs.

That's the real secret: you can't pour from an empty cup. And in midlife, when our bodies are already asking so much of us, that truth becomes even more critical.

If you're in this season right now—feeling angry or overwhelmed or like you're failing at everything—you're not alone. And you're not broken. Your body is already working overtime. Adding caregiving on top of that is legitimately hard. Give yourself permission to do what you can, one day at a time. Some days that's enough. Most days, it has to be.

I would love to hear what you do for self care.